A teenager has been backed online after sharing how she told her stepmom that she was "not the most important woman" in her life.
On Reddit on December 6, user u/HairPotential1113 shared her story, and the post now has more than 5,000 upvotes.
The 16-year-old explained that her dad is married to her stepmom, Jani: "They've been together for a little over six years and married for about four now. Dad was a widower when they met." The poster has two siblings aged 14 and 12, and their mother died eight years ago. She wrote how "Jani has not adjusted well to being a stepparent."
"I think she thought she would be just a parent to us because our mom had died and didn't consider that we'd still talk about and have photos of mom," wrote the Redditor.
Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at The New York Presbyterian Hospital, told Newsweek: "A new step-parent cannot and should not replace the original parent, but they can—and should—be an additional parent relationship."
The host of the How Can I Help? podcast from iHeartRadio added: "The closeness of that relationship depends on many factors including time, effort put into bonding, chemistry of the pair, and so many more variables. You can't force a relationship."
However, this union had not blossomed for the family, and Jani continued to struggle with the realities of being the stepmom.
"Over the years she has been to therapy and her and my dad have gone to couples sessions," explained the Redditor.
"In the last year the five of us have gone to family therapy and she has admitted it's hard for her because she feels like she's second best or a consolation to us and that we don't really love and want her. Dad assured her that we all love her just as much as mom, that she's his number one and is vital to our family."
Jani continued to struggle with feeling like a lesser part of the family, and the poster explained that she and her siblings felt they had to be honest about their emotions.
"My sister was the first to speak during all this and she said nothing was ever done to make her feel bad—that she just doesn't think of her as her mom or as being her parent," wrote the Redditor. "Once that was said she was talking about how much that makes her feel bad and like she's not truly accepted."
A few weeks later, the situation was reignited when the poster made something for class about her family and her stepmom was not mentioned. Hurt by this, Jani asked why she was not included.
"I told her because she is not the most important woman in my life. I told her that will always be my mom, followed by both my grandmas," explained the poster.
"She asked if she was just second best then, if she was unimportant and I refused to answer. Afterward my dad and Jani both told me that I was cruel to say she wasn't the most important woman in my life when she is there every day and has done her best."
Turning to Redditors to ask if she was wrong for what she said, the poster received hundreds of replies reacting to the situation. One user wrote: "You were honest, but you weren't nasty."
Another Redditor commented: "This woman's need to erase your mom is insidious," while one posted: "You cannot control someone else's expectations, nor can they control who you feel affection for."
"There is not a way to guarantee a child will be accepting and happy with a big life change such as this one, but almost demanding to be valued as much, or more, than their biological parents is definitely a way to ensure a tough transition," said Saltz.
"A child, of any age and no matter how many years have gone by, feels an attachment and oftentimes a passionate allegiance to an original parent, even if they have passed on. If they are to try and replace that parent entirely, there is sure to be a lot of guilt in almost any circumstance."
One reply on the now-viral Reddit post read: "Step-parents have to take cues from the kids if they truly want a healthy relationship with them. Your mom is important to you and Jani has no reasonable expectation for that to change just because she showed up."
When it comes to negotiating an often-difficult relationship within a blended family, Saltz had some advice: "It's in everyone's best interest to be kind, respectful, and to try to be as caring as possible, but children can't force themselves to love a stepmom who has simply demanded love without putting in the effort for a mutually loving relationship to blossom on its own.
"And a stepmom can't demand to be 'the most important woman in their life,'" Saltz added. "I would suggest this stepmom work towards accepting that she can't replace the biological mother and to start fresh on building a new relationship with realistic expectations with those children."
Newsweek has reached out to u/HairPotential1113 for comment. We were unable to verify the details of this case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
");jQuery(this).remove()}) jQuery('.start-slider').owlCarousel({loop:!1,margin:10,nav:!0,items:1}).on('changed.owl.carousel',function(event){var currentItem=event.item.index;var totalItems=event.item.count;if(currentItem===0){jQuery('.owl-prev').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-prev').removeClass('disabled')} if(currentItem===totalItems-1){jQuery('.owl-next').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-next').removeClass('disabled')}})}})})
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7r7HWrK6enZtjsLC5jq2cnqZdl66kt8SdZK2dnKG2r7OMrKueqJ2kum66zq1kpqejqXqquc%2Boqa2Znql6s7HDnaCtZWFsg3eClG0%3D